So the last few months has been dedicated to change and I don’t mean external change, I mean scary ass internal changes because I finally got so sick of anxiety and feeling so low and self concious everyday and I realised that I didn’t deserve that. I deserved to be excited when I woke up each morning and not be afraid to do the smallest of daily tasks.
I no longer wanted to be stationary and at such a stand still because let me tell you, living with such repetitive thoughts was just boring and getting me lower and lower with each day.
Over the course of the last few months I’ve made little achievements. Achievements so little that it’s made me realise that people do these things just out of normality without ever thinking about it – and then there’s me worrying excessively about said thing. They were stupid tasks like running back into ASDA for something on my own because of this stupid fear that I’d need to cough and I’d be coughing so much that I couldn’t get a drink (like, seriously, that was my biggest holdback).
Recently I’ve set myself little goals and added a few things to my future plans and it’s allowed me to see my future a little more clearly and it’s less of a jumbled mess that makes me cringe whenever I think about it. I’ve been spending time getting organised and getting my thoughts onto paper so they can escape my mind and I can just be still for a little while. I actually find myself being able to watch TV or just read a book with full concentration and without my mind wandering to irrelevant issues.
The biggest step for me this last couple of months has been changing something that has affected my mood and confidence a lot in the last few years. It’s been something I’ve cried over, something I’ve hated whenever I looked in the mirror, and something I just haven’t been able to change. It was like a vicous cycle with absolutely no way out. That thing was my teeth. I wore braces when I was about 13 and stupidly didn’t wear my retainers which meant that my teeth moved a significant amount and my perfectly straight teeth had been lost. It happened so slowly that I didn’t even realise until it was too late to do anything about it. This has stopped me from having my photo done and it was always in the back of my mind whenever I spoke to people that they would be judging my teeth (which they probably weren’t).
It was a problem I had with myself and nobody understood. People would constantly tell me that there was nothing wrong and it was barely noticable but it was a flaw I’d picked up and just could not let go of no matter how hard I tried. This year I finally decided that enough was enough and went through the process of changing it.
I tried to focus on the things I liked about my appearance, I tried to read books and watch videos that taught you embrace your flaws but it wasn’t enough for me. I knew that I had to change them to feel better within myself so I went through the process of changing them physically – which obviously was pretty damn scary. Appointments were the no.1 trigger of anxiety for me, especially doctors or dentist appointments, so it took a lot of energy for me to go through it – but it was 100% worth it and I just wish I’d plucked up the courage sooner.
Now I sit here with braces at 20 years old – something I never thought I’d have – and I could not be happier. Already I feel myself smiling and not feeling terrible about my teeth because I know that problem is just temporary now. In 12 months time my braces will be removed and I’ll have my smile back, and finally the future looks a lot less scary.
I finally feel like I’m on the road to regaining my self confidence and I’ve missed that an awful lot.